It's ok to cry

We found out that I was pregnant while we were in Hawaii. Jordan and I were on the other side of some severe marital struggles. We were at a wonderful new place. Our marriage had never been more fun and exciting. We had reached a new place of love, forgiveness, and acceptance. I kept telling Jordan that 5 was my new favorite number. The 5th year of marriage was shaping up to be pretty awesome. Jesus had saved and redeemed our marriage and we were both exceedingly thankful. It had been a huge struggle in getting to that point, but we felt that we had reached a really great point, and we were thoroughly enjoying it. I had just lost 30 pounds and we celebrated that feat by purchasing an adorable LuluLemon outfit and by climbing KoKo Head. It was an awesome vacation. It was made even more amazing when I hesitated to indulge in fruity cocktails because I suspected something.

We purchased a pregnancy test and I was legitimately surprised when two little pink lines appeared in the window. We were so excited! We had names for both genders picked out before we left Hawaii. I had my appointment with my OB scheduled and we had told our entire family (and every waiter or guest that would listen.) We were overjoyed.

Morning sickness hit me pretty hard. I couldn't keep anything down at all. I felt like the worst wife and mother on the planet. I think Jadyn watched more Curious George those few months than I care to admit and Jordan brought dinners home most nights. I felt exhausted, sick, and dizzy almost all the time. Everyone told me what a good sign nausea was when I was pregnant with Jadyn, so I thought all things were a go with baby number two. I was dumbfounded when I saw my sweet babe laying still on the ultrasound. I couldn't believe it. "But what about all my symptoms?"

Anyway... Tomorrow was our due date with my baby that we discovered while we were in Hawaii. I thought that being pregnant again on this day would ease it for me. I guess I don't know if it would have or not, but the thought of that suspected comfort reminds me of our second baby that we loss which just worsens the pain of it all. I am so frustrated that a silly thing like a projected due date could bring me back to this low place. I feel like I should be able to compartmentalize things better. I mean, how many people actually give birth on their due dates anyway? Why couldn't I just forget my due date? It's not like I have a squirming, growing baby to remind me of this impending day, so what's the big deal? I can't really answer that. All I can say is that I'm frustrated with emotions.

Today, I stood in front of a checker sweating and fanning myself because I was doing everything in my power not to burst into tears. I dropped my daughter off with my wonderful mother-in-law and bawled my eyes out all the way home. My husband keeps telling me that it's ok to cry. It's ok to cry. It's ok to cry.